Detroit Derby Girls 2008 Season Preview: D-Funk Allstars vs. Detroit Pistoffs

Posted on December 6, 2007

December 5, 2007- by Rusty Wheeler

The Detroit Derby Girls continue their home season on Saturday, December 8, at the Masonic Temple Drill Hall in Detroit, Michigan, with a game between the D-Funk Allstars and the Detroit Pistoffs. Doors open at 6:00 pm, game starts at 7:00 pm. Tickets are $12 in advance, $15 at the door. See http://www.detroitderbygirls.com for more info.

D-Funk Allstars

Returning: #34DD Barberika, #313 Black Eyed Skeez (captain), #9 Cat’s Meow (assistant captain)(maternity), #5 Damsel Distresser, #23 Ima Wrecker, #777 Juicy Contusion, #813 Tiny Ninja.

Transfers: none.

Rookies: #102 Eight Mile Rose, #46 Fatal Femme, #100% Polly Fester, # 3cc Roxanna Hardplace, #CH4 Seoul Slayer.

Lost: Elbow Derek (retired), Meg Phite (retired), Sass Knuckles (to Pistolwhippers), Vega Vendetta (to Detroit Pistoffs), Vicious Vixen (to Devil’s Night Dames), Whiskey Soured (to Devil’s Night Dames).

Managers: Clobber’n Hobbes, Howie Rollson.
The D-Funk Allstars have got the rockiest road to skate of all of the Detroit Derby Girls teams for the 2008 season. They lost four first-rate players, Sass Knuckles (to the Pistolwhippers), Vega Vendetta (to the Detroit Pistoffs), and both Vicious Vixen and Whiskey Soured to the Devil’s Night Dames. Vega had scored 48.2 Points per Game (PPG) for the D-Funkers, and the other three combined for a total of 19.4 Blocks per Game (BPG). So they will be missed. But life and derby must carry on, and so will the D-Funk Allstars.
The Allstars are anchored by their solid captain, Black Eyed Skeez. Skeez likes to hit other derby girls for fun, to the tune of 10.6 BPG. She also dishes up 5.2 Assists per Game (APG), and earns 9.0 Minors per Game (MPG). While she has not usually been a jammer in the past, she did once score 16 points in a game, so she has the wheels to jam. Don’t be surprised to see this Allstar wearing the jammer’s star at times during the 2007-08 season. Skeez was also the top pivot skater in the DDG in 2007.

The mainstay of the D-Funk offense is Ima Wrecker, probably the most unsung of all of the DDG jammers in the league. Ima has quietly gone about scoring an average of 39.2 PPG, including scoring 61 points in two different games. She scores an average of 3.56 points per jam. Watch for Ima to jam even more this season. Other returnees with jamming experience are Tiny Ninja, aka “Tinja,” and Damsel Distresser. Tinja gets 12.4 PPG, and Damsel garners 5.3 PPG. Neither player has jammed a large number of jams, but watch for them both to wear the star more often. Tinja will miss at least the opening game vs. the Pistoffs with an injury.

The most experienced returning blocker is Juicy Contusion. Juicy has managed to get 3.5 BPG and 5.0 APG, although she has had to fight off some injuries in the past. In a late scratch, Juicy will also miss the season opening game for D-Funk due to a boo-boo. The only other returning player to start the season for D-Funk is Barberika, and she only skated in 2 jams in 2007. Look for Barberika to get some serious playing time as a blocker.

Cat’s Meow, the team’s assistant captain, is on maternity leave, although she hopes to return to action before season’s end. In 2007, Cat’s clawed her way to scoring 21.0 PPG (4.67 PPJ), and also served up 5.3 BPG. If she does get back on wheels, it will be a good thing for the D-Funk, and a bad thing for opposing skaters in the DDG.

The D-Funk did not obtain any experienced players off other teams, but they do have a talented pool of rookies to plug into the lineup. Eight Mile Rose, Fatal Femme, Polly Fester, Roxanna Hardplace, and Seoul Slayer are all eager to show what they got on the track. Polly has some experience skating with the Mitten Kittens, as well as playing ice hockey. Look for Polly and Roxanna to pick up some serious jamming minutes, and the others, as captain Skeez says, “will be awesome blocking additions.”
The Allstars will once again be managed by Clobber’n Hobbes and Howie Rollson. As Howie likes to say, “That’s how we roll, son!”

So, all D-Funk captain Black Eyed Skeez has to do is take her very few core experienced players (and heal the injured ones) and quickly mold her rookies into an effective derby team–that’s all! But that’s derby. The Allstars hope to see you cheer them on and “get funked up!”

Detroit Pistoffs

Returning: #L1 Bikini Killer (assistant captain), #33.3 Cookie Rumble (captain), #XX Deadly Dose (injured reserve), #20 Devil Kitty (injured in 2007), #$ Effin’ Money, #6 Elle McFearsome, #12 Rude Awakening, #26 Smashing Darling, #66 Soldier Doll (on leave), #420 Wanda Throwdown.

Transfers: #181 Vega Vendetta (from D-Funk Allstars)

Rookies: #480km Beaver Fever, #213 Violet-N-Deed, #4 all Justass (injured).

Lost: Jugsy Siegel (retired), Miss Canada (moved), Pain MacGowan (moved), Rogue (retired), Ms. Misery (retired manager).

Managers: Glamazon (former Motown Hit Squad manager), Jive Tofurkey (rookie).

The Detroit Pistoffs will once again be led by their captain, Cookie Rumble. A strong argument can be made for Cookie being the best overall player in the league after she repeated as league MVP and Defensive Blocker in 2007. She doesn’t jam a lot, but does score 20.4 Points per Game (PPG), which is also an excellent 3.52 Points per Jam (PPJ), when she does jam. She dishes out 7.4 Assists per Game (APG), and leads the league with an amazing 20.4 Blocks per Game (BPG). Cookie also deals in “intangibles” that make every skater around her better. Cookie led her team to the 2006 Detroit Derby Girl Championship, and she and her team are definitely “Pistoff” that they didn’t repeat as champs in 2007. That may give them a bit of the “chip on the shoulder” mentality they will need to reclaim the title in 2008. Cookie is ably assisted by her sister, Elle McFearsome, who racks up some impressive stats with 18,8 PPG (2.69 PPJ), 12.2 BPG, and 7.0 APG. Like Cookie, Elle can play all the positions, blocker, jammer, and pivot, and performs admirably at all. Both players are not afraid to mix it up, either, as Cookie gets penalized with 10.6 Minors per Game (MPG) and Elle gets whistled for 10.0 MPG.
A mainstay of the Pistoffs defense is Bikini Killer, a hard-hitting workhorse who skates in 69% of her team’s jams and who piles up 11.0 BPG as well as 7.8 APG. Bikini manages to stay out of the penalty box for the most part, only spending 9 minutes in the box on 6.3 MPG over four regular season games. Also on defense is Smashing Darling. Smashing has battled a minor injury bug over the past two seasons, but has managed to amass 6.0 BPG and 5.8 APG. Wanda Throwdown has skated in only 22% of the jams in games she has participated in, and will most likely be called upon to help carry the load defensively in the 2008 season.

The Pistoffs were hampered in 2007 by the loss to injury of their best and most dangerous jammer, Deadly Dose. Deadly scored 143 points in only 3 games (47.7 PPG) before being injured, and was scoring 5.30 PPJ. She begins the season on injured reserve, with hopes of being able to return to action at some time in the future. The Pistoffs will need to replace Deadly’s offense, and two likely candidates to do some serious jamming are returnees Rude Awakening and Effin’ Money. Rude has managed to score 18.2 PPG, and Effin’ scores 8.0 PPG. Rude has scored as many as 30 points in a game, and Effin’s high score is 16. Perhaps they will be joined as a jammer by another returnee, Devil Kitty, who got into one game in 2007 after missing a fairly lengthy period of time due to placement on the rehabilitation shelf after an injury sustained in the 2006 season.

The Pistoffs’ offense will no doubt be led by Vega Vendetta, who previously skated for the D-Funk Allstars and who was named DDG Jammer of the year in 2006 and 2007. Vega has some really impressive jamming stats, scoring 48.2 PPG (4.38 PPJ), and scoring a high of 66 points in one game. Vega also skates in 48% of her team’s jams, so she is durable.

The Pistoffs hope to get some usable service out of a pool of rookies that includes

Beaver Fever, Violet-N-Deed, and Justass. While Justass will miss the Pistoffs first game of the season due to injury (there’s a lot of that going around in derby, don’t you think!?), watch for “Beav” and Violet to take part in jams as blockers early on.

The Pistoffs have lost some players from last season. Jugsy Siegel and Rogue have retired from derby, and Miss Canada and Pain MacGowan have moved to other cities. Currently, Pistoffs veteran Soldier Doll is on military leave and is off “playing” in the sandbox, although she expects to return to action on the hardwood before the season ends.

The Pistoffs are managed by Glamazon, who managed the Motown Hit Squad in the first two DDG exhibitions, then retired from derby but missed it and is now back in the fold, and rookie manager Jive Tofurkey. Ms. Misery was the manager in 2007.
While it is not certain the Pistoffs can regain the championship in 2008, it is certain they will skate hard in every jam of every game they are in. You can count on that!

———————-
These two teams have played each other only once before with the Pistoffs winning 102-65 in 2007. In that game the Pistoffs Elle McFearsome was MVP and Offensive Blocker of the Game, while teammates Rude Awakening and Cookie Rumble got Top Jammer and Defensive Blocker, respectively. In a mostly defensive game, Rude scored 28 points, Cookie 20, and Elle scored 18 points for the Pistoffs. Elle was also a plus 51 for the game, leading all skaters, while Cookie was a plus 48. The two each had 25 defensive blocks in the game. Vega Vendetta scored 26 points for her then-team D-Funk, while Ima Wrecker scored 23 for the Allstars. Black Eyed Skeez had 9 and Whiskey Soured had 8 defensive blocks for D-Funk in that first game between these two adversaries,
Who will prevail in the 2008 season? Come on out to the Masonic Temple in Detroit and find out first hand! PS get there early to ensure getting a “suicide” seat so you’ll get as close to action as possible without wearing skates!

© Copyright Detroit Derby Girls • Powered by Wordpress