Detroit Derby Girls Bout IV and Mid-Season Draft Recap

Posted on February 27, 2009

By  AK-40 oz.Saturday night the Drill Hall shook with excitement as the largest and loudest crowd Detroit derby has ever experienced witnessed the D-Funk All Stars break their losing streak with a 103-91 victory over the Devil’s Night Dames.  The D’s Fire Marshall opened up 100 more tickets (which sold promptly) to the Masonic Temple’s derby den and it was filled with rowdy fans who roared from roster announcements to the last whistle.  The downtrodden Funkers came in with the same record as the Dames, 0-1 so far in ‘09, but also bore the weight of a winless 2008 season.  In fact the D-Funk hadn’t won since their first bout of Season 2 back in 2007.  Their only 2 recorded wins were against the Dames in ’06 and ’07, and since had gone winless in 7 bouts and nearly 2 full years.  Both teams surged strong in the beginning and a back and forth battle lasted the initial jams until the D-Funkers gained their bearings and started to pull away.  Frustration and early penalty trouble snowballed for the Devil’s Night Dames into a hefty deficit by the end of the first half and they found the Funk up 63-31 in what looked like a possible runaway victory.  A last-jam push gained them only a pair of points, but also a nice little spark of momentum going into the locker room.

      Twenty minutes of New Orlean’s style zydeco music and hoola-hooping kids later the teams were back, and though the Dames were skating with only 11 bodies, they showed great endurance and that signature flame as they started wearing down the lead.  Slowly but surely they made progress against a wide rotation of D-Funk jammers, and once the penalty troubles shifted to the Funk, the Dames pushed hard, and Racer McChaseHer put up a 15-point jam to decimate the D-Funk lead.  The Dames were within striking distance but the D-Funk pack play wowed the crowd and ensured that they wouldn’t give up that edge.  Captains Fatal Femme and Roxanna Hardplace looked every bit the all-star duo of blockers up front, and when working with original DDG skaters Tinja, Cat’s Meow, Black Eyed Skeez and a number of other “Green Machine” blockers they shut down the Dames’ jammers when they were down by 10 with three jams to go.  The D-Funk dominated lead jammer and though the Dames got close to tying it up, they couldn’t penetrate the wall of neon green and shimmer silver.  In the last two, the penalty troubles put the D-Funk All Stars in a tough spot and with a chance at tying or winning in the last jam (albeit a long shot of a chance), Racer McChaseHer simply couldn’t pull it out after a stunning game and what was assuredly a tiring effort to carry her team.  The Dames fell just short of keeping a chance to head to the Championship for a third straight year alive.  The Funk exploded as soon as the jam ended, and with the weight of 3 losing seasons lifted in one night, they were ready to head to that long awaited victory afterparty.

     Outstanding individual performances abounded on both sides that night.  The Dames’ rookie core showed great promise and coupled with their strong mid-season draft on Monday, it’s evident they’re looking to 2010 and not going to let their current 0-4 streak get them down.  Captain Racer McChaseHer said “Yeah, we’re definitely looking at next year.  The Pistoffs better watch out, because we’re taking it next season!”  Racer was referring to the oft-told joke in Detroit that the Pistoffs win every even-numbered year (undefeated Champs in ’06 and ’08), and take the subsequent one off.  Rookies Fifi La Foe, Dizzy Devine and Spanish Ass’assin looked like seasoned vets in the pack.  Muffy Mafioso, though brutalized by the massive Funk attack, showed great resolve and visibly improved her strategy throughout the game.  The Dames also had a standout performance from Vicious Vixen (lead all blockers in both offense and defensive averages, earned Offensive Blocker of the Game), as well as Racer who rocked on both sides of the jammer line (4.11 points per jam, 1.63 actions/jam).

The D-Funk All Stars all showed up in great form, but special attention is deserved by MVP Polly Fester who’s speedy jamming and great strategic blocking backed up the impressive team play by the Funk (31 points, 11 attacks).  Roxanna Hardplace, flag skater and MVP of the most recent Detroit vs Arch Rival game, wowed again with huge hits (7 knockdowns) and great awareness (32 attacks).  boo d. livers, who was heard to say afterwards that she was unhappy with her performance, as the Dames targeted her especially when she sported the star, still put up great numbers with a 4.0 ppj (40 points) and 70% lead as well as a +21 jamming.  When told she was named Jammer of the Game she was shocked, and could only smile when a nearby teammate commented “yeah, just think how high her numbers will be when she has a GOOD game!”

The gray clouds over them finally cleared out the D-Funkers are seeing only blue, but that blue is of a dreaded hue.  On March 14th their next hurdle comes as they shift from devils to blue dresses and face the defending Champion Detroit Pistoffs.  They’ll fight the Funk for the chance to face the 2-0 Pistolwhippers in the Championship going down in May.  The Pistoffs, of course, are no strangers to the big dance and with the additions of mid-season re-acquisition Effin’ Money and new blocker Jen Ann Tonic to their injury-depleted lineup, it could be the shot they need to beat the amped up Funk.  The D-Funk All Stars are hungry for the win and a chance to take on the Pistolwhippers (who edged them out by only 18 points in their first bout of the season) again, and because they have never beaten Captain Cookie Rumble’s Pistoffs.  D-Funk’s full bench and 2nd place seeding only garnered them one draft pick, third overall, but shored up their defense with the pick of promising blocker Holly Hitsville.  The D-Funk All Stars will lose vet blocker Fanny Pack for the rest of the season (injury) and the Pistoffs retire rookie SnapHer.  Longtime Pistoffs Soldier Doll and Wanda Throwdown join Smashing Darling on long-term reserve, and will sit the rest of the season.

The Devil’s Night Dames may be out of the running for the RS Cup, but with only 11 skaters and a last place standing they got the first overall draft pick in the speedy Yo-Yo, and a handful of other exciting additions.  Their new blood includes San Diego transfer Ann Atomic and pure rookies Inky Gash, Master Braider, and Tess Tackles.  Altogether their rookies total 11 of their 16 skaters for the rest of the season.  The Dames bid adieu to retiring vet and defensive presence Loretta Synn who spent her 3 ½ seasons as a core player for the team. They’ll be taking on the “Maroon Monsoon,” the dreaded and currently undefeated Pistolwhippers, in April.  The ‘Whippers are a team of serious vets and monster Travel Teamers, with a few hard-hitting rookies.  With the trident of Honey Suckit, Kat Von D’Stroya and Sarah Hipel jamming they’ve been unstoppable and are +69 overall in two games (2nd place D-Funk follows with a -6 on the season).  The rest of the ‘Whippers are known for stunning defense, and they’ve added tough blocker Mega Bloxx to their ’09 class of Karma Shoot’Ya and Cool Whip.  With their first round pick the ‘Whippers went with a possible jammer or blocker in Jackie O’Noyoudidnt.  The ‘Whippers are losing rookie prospects Demona and Kristi YamaGotcha, and TT vet Sass Knuckles will sit the rest of the season out with a pregnancy.

Tickets are on sale now for the rest of the season at www.ticketmaster.com and our local outlets.  Also, don’t forget the Detroit Derby Girls Travel Team continues their ’09 push for the Hydra against the #2 Windy City Rollers on March 28th at the Masonic Temple in Detroit.  Don’t miss our historic 50th bout when Chicago and Detroit finally meet on the hardwood!

Photos credited to Colin J. 

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