D-Funk Allstars Defeat Detroit Pistoffs 112-57

Posted on March 22, 2009

by AK-40 oz. - March 14, 2009

“boo, how does it feel to be going to the Championship?”
“It’s about time!”
No other sentiment could have better capped the action as the D-Funk All Stars defeated the reigning Champion Detroit Pistoffs 112-57 at the Masoic Temple Drill Hall for the first time in their 4 seasons.  The much-beleaguered D-Funkers had struggled for 3 years, and until now were the only team not to make a Championship game.  After going 0-4 last season, they shrugged it off, changed their jerseys and added some new talent.  The Pistoffs have seen their fortune reversed, losing veteran skaters Bikini Killer, Rude Awakening, Smashing Darling (out for season), and Effin’ Money who made her return against the D-Funk.  The Funkers started the bout just like they had finished the previous one (victory over the Dames), controlling lead jammer and racking up points.

boo d. livers (MVP, Jammer of the Game) kicked off the night with a devastating double-grand slam and they kept coming until the last whistle blew.  All said, boo d. put up 60 points, both a personal best and the watermark for a epic jamming performance accomplished only by a handful of the finest jammers.  Rookie Sista Slit’chya (25 points) and vet Ima Wrecker (23) contributed to the D-Funk total, which was capped off by Roxanna Hardplace’s (4) second half-opening jam.  Roxanna (Offensive Player of the Game), Polly Fester (Defensive Player oft of the Game), Black Eyed Skeez (31 attacks, +60), and captain Fatal Femme (15 assists/14 attacks) led the pack to completely dominate the Pistoffs.  D-Funk had solid performances deep into their bench including standouts Cat’s Meow, Tinja, and rookie ZOOMa Thurman who all put up excellent numbers in the pack.  D-Funk tallied 60 more attacks than the ladies in blue, and had 19 shutout jams of the 35 in the game.  After the first half it was 70-18 in favor of the “green machine.”

The Pistoffs more than doubled their scoring in the second half but the Funk held them to the lowest score in DDG history.  The Pistoffs scoring was led by Elle McFearsome (24 points) who looked 100% back from her injury, and augmented by the returning Effin’ Money (13), Cookie Rumble (10), and Vega Vendetta (10).  Combat Cat and Devil Kitty combined for 8 jams but 0 points against the green wall of Funk.  Pack standouts for the Pistoffs were Bruisie Siouxxx, Cookie Rumble and Elle McFearsome on both offense and defense (30 assists and 63 attacks altogether), and they got some solid help on defense from Maim West (12 attacks, 2 knockdowns) and promising performances from rookies Lottie Guts (6 assists/6 attacks) and Mexi-Go (6/7).  The Pistoffs showed they’ve got up and coming talent, they just won’t have their names engraved on the trophy this year.  As captain Cookie Rumble has been heard to say “Oh, that’s okay we only win Championships on even years!”

The Pistoffs will head to the Race for Third Place against the favorite foes - The Devil’s Night Dames.  The defending Champs defeated the Dames 3 bouts in a row to finish 2008 and open 2009, but with all the roster changes, this one’s anyone’s game!  Grudge match time, and it’s always fun to see these two foes go at it.  Come down and check out the rematch of the 2008 Championship, this time for braggin’ rights, on May 9th.

When it was all over tears and beers (of joy) followed, but the party was short-lived because now the D-Funk All Stars prepare to face their most difficult opponent in the Pistolwhippers.  They’ve never beaten the ‘Whippers, but this time they’re on fire and it’s for the DDG Championship!  Only one step remains in both their journeys to the RS Cup.  Who will stand victorious and see their name hanging from the rafters on the 2009 Championship banner?  Who will be knocked into the suicide seats and lose their hopes of hoisting the martini girl?  Come find out May 30th - tickets on sale now!

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