2008 Detroit Derby Girls regular season game 2: Detroit Pistoffs 102
Posted on December 10, 2007
– December 8, 2007
– Masonic Temple, Detroit, MI
– by Rusty Wheeler
While it wasn’t quite a case of “old age and treachery overcoming youth and skill,” the superior experience of the Detroit Pistoffs enabled them to easily defeat the D-Funk Allstars 102-59 in the Drill Hall at the Masonic Temple in Detroit, Michigan. Going into the game, the Pistoffs roster featured 11 players with a total of 94 derby games of experience, while D-Funk had only 10 players on wheels with a total of 29 games of experience. And 14 of those experience-games belonged to team captain Black Eyed Skeez. The Allstars had to borrow Kat Von D’Stroya from the Pistolwhippers just to have 10 players for the game, as they were missing Juicy Contusion and Tiny Ninja due to injuries, and assistant captain Cat’s Meow is on maternity leave. The Allstars were also hard hit in the off season when they lost four experienced skaters to other teams. The Allstars had five rookies (Eight Mile Rose, Fatal Femme, Polly Fester, Roxanna Hardplace, Seoul Slayer) in their
lineup compared to only two “fresh meat” (Beaver Fever, Violet-N-Deed) for the Pistoffs.
But derby is derby, and teams must compete with what they have. That being said, the D-Funk Allstars made a good accounting of themselves in the game’s opening period. Rookie Polly Fester jammed for D-Funk in the opening jam against the Pistoffs Rude Awakening. Polly got lead jammer when the Allstars Fatal Femme took a well earned major penalty by wiping out the Pistoffs jammer, thus also enabling Polly to score a
grand slam and a 5-0 lead for the Allstars. The Pistoffs Elle McFearsome countered in jam 2, passing easily through the pack on the inside and scoring a grand slam of her own in a 9-3 jam over Ima Wrecker to give the Pistoffs a 9-8 lead. Then it was Polly Fester’s
turn again in jam 3, besting former D-Funker Vega Vendetta 4-1 and flipping the score to 12-10 for the Allstars. Polly got the lead, scored, and quickly called off the jam, just the way the derby textbooks say to do it (that is, if there were any derby textbooks around!). In the 5th jam of the opening period, Kat Von D’Stroya leaped over Elle McFearsome’s attempted leg block to score another 4-1 jam for the Allstars, putting the D-Funk lead back at five points, 16-11. Then after the Pistoffs Cookie Rumble and D-Funk’s Roxanna Hardplace skated to a 3-3 deadlock in jam 6, the Pistoffs Vega Vendetta jammed three
times consecutively (spending a minute in the penalty box along the way), outscoring the D-Funk 15-7 in those jams to put the Pistoffs back on top, 29-26. The Pistoffs couldn’t score in the final three jams of the period, while Polly Fester scored a 4-0 jam in jam 11 to make the score at the first intermission 30-29 for the D-Funk. Things were looking OK for the Allstars at that point, and it looked like their rookies would be able to skate with the Pistoffs.
As compared to the opening game of the ’08 DDG season when the Devil’s
Night Dames defeated the Pistolwhippers 151-138, and where the jammers eschewed calling off jams and instead went around for second and third scoring passes even though that allowed the opposition jammer to also score, in the 1st period of this Pistoffs-Allstars game the jammers were almost universally getting lead jammer status, scoring, and then
calling the jam before the other jammer could score. Each team had five leads, and two jams went the full two minutes without a lead jammer. And there was some nice blocking in the period. In jam 8, the Pistoffs Cookie Rumble wiped out the D-Funk jammer Damsel Distresser, causing Damsel to get stuck in the pack while the Pistoffs jammer Vega Vendetta was able to come out of the penalty box and circle the track. And then
on that same jam Cookie’s sister, Elle McFearsome, tripped Damsel. Elle received her 4th minor penalty which sent her to the box, but Damsel did not score on that jam. The final jam of the 1st period started with only 55 seconds left on the clock, and the Pistoffs Rude Awakening got lead, but was passed by the Allstars Kat Von D’Stroya. Rude then waited
until Kat got near the back of the pack and then adroitly called the jam.
In the 2nd period, the Pistoffs asserted themselves and had their way with the Allstars. Rude Awakening jammed the 1st jam versus Black Eyed Skeez. Rude got lead, Skeez got stuck in the pack, Rude scored, then called the jam winning the jam 4-0 and putting the Pistoffs in front to stay, leading at that time 33-30. Effin’ Money made it another 4-0 jam
over Polly Fester and the Allstars in the 2nd jam, giving the Pistoffs a 37-30 lead. And it got far worse for the D-Funkers after that. In the 2nd period, the Pistoffs outscored D-Funk by a 42-6 margin, shutting D-Funk out in nine of the period’s 12 jams. The Pistoffs were aided in that by grabbing lead in nine jams to only two leads for D-Funk. And
the hits just kept on comin’ in the period. The 3rd jam was scoreless between Black Eyed Skeez and Vega Vendetta, and during that jam Skeez was abusing Vega behind the pack. It wasn’t until there were only 26 seconds left in that jam when Skeez finally got lead for D-Funk, and there wasn’t enough time to jet around the pack to score. Kat Von D’Stroya got the only other lead for D-Funk in jam 5, although she had to survive a hard hit from Cookie Rumble. In that jam, the Pistoffs Devil Kitty picked up a major penalty for taking Kat down from behind, and before Kat could recover and call the jam, she was outscored 4-3 by the opportunistic Vega Vendetta. In jam 8, Cookie Rumble bounced Polly Fester off the hardwood. In jam 9, Polly was jamming for D-Funk and got sent to the box. The Pistoffs blockers astutely slowed the pack to make it easier for their jammer Vega Vendetta to come around and score a grand slam. And the D-Funkers were dishing out the hits, too. In jam 11, Vega was lead jammer but was passed by Roxanna Hardplace who then was banished to the penalty box leaving the Allstars without a jammer. Vega had scored seven points on that jam when Black Eyed Skeez sent Vega flying off the track, almost landing in the announcer’s table. Instead of getting up and continuing, Vega decided she had enough points for that jam and called it off. And then in the final jam of the
period, jam 12, the Pistoffs Bikini Killer wasted Roxanna when Roxanna came out of the penalty box, driving poor Ms. Hardplace into the media seating. After two periods, the Pistoffs easily led 71-36.
The D-Funk Allstars rebounded somewhat in the 3rd period and played theDetroit Pistoffs somewhat evenly. Each team got lead in five of the 11 jams, and although the Pistoffs had the edge in scoring 31-23 in the period, it was still hard-hitting derby action throughout. Polly Fester tried to get her team back into it with a 5-0 grand slam jam to open the period, but then Elle McFearsome answered for the Pistoffs with a 7-1 grand slam jam of her own. The Pistoffs got three more grand slams later in the period from Elle, Cookie Rumble, and Effin’ Money, while Polly and Ima Wrecker slammed the Pistoffs twice more. The blockers continued hitting anything that moved on the track right to the very end, and on the very last jam with about 29 seconds left in the game, D-Funk’s Ima Wrecker got sent to the penalty box. The Pistoffs Bikini Killer waved a “bye bye” to Ima as she left the track. At the end of the game, the scoreboard said it all: Detroit Pistoffs 102, D-Funk
Allstars 59.
For the statistically minded, the Pistoffs Vega Vendetta led all scorers with 41 points while jamming 14 times. She got lead 6 times, and tallied 1 grand slam. Other Pistoffs scorers: Elle McFearsome (25 pts, 5 jams, 2 leads, 3 slams); Effin’ Money (20 pts, 7 jams, 6 leads,
1 slam); Cookie Rumble (12 pts, 4 jams, 2 leads, 1 slam); Rude Awakening (4 pts, 4 jams, 2 leads); Violet-N-Deed (0 pts, 1 jam, 1 lead). Polly Fester led the D-Funk with a fine rookie performance of 25 points in 12 jams, 4 leads, and 3 grand slams. Other D-Funk scorers:
Ima Wrecker (13 pts, 6 jams, 3 leads, 1 slam); Kat Von D’Stroya (12 pts, 5 jams, 3 leads); Roxanna Hardplace (6 pts, 7 jams); Eight Mile Rose (3 pts, 1 jam, 1 lead); Black Eyed Skeez (0 pts, 2 jams, 1 lead); Damsel Distresser (0 pts, 2 jams).
The Pistoffs Elle McFearsome was named Most Valuable Player of the game. Besides scoring 25 points, Elle also racked up 26 defensive blocks, 8 assists, and was a plus 45 for the game while skating in 57% of the jams. Her sister Cookie Rumble also skated a typically outstanding game, with 12 points, 34 defensive blocks, 15 assists, plus 49 while skating in 74% of the jams. The Pistoffs also relied on their experienced blocking corps of Bikini Killer (36 blocks, 74%), Smashing Darling (28 blocks, 57%), and Rude Awakening (24 blocks, 57%). Rookies Violet-N-Deed and Beaver Fever only skated in 23% and 11% of the jams respectively.
For the D-Funk, Black Eyed Skeez had a very strong game with 36 defensive blocks while skating in a phenomenal 83% of the jams. Rookie Fatal Femme skated in 71% of the jams for D-Funk while earning 24 blocks and Damsel Distresser tabulated 30 blocks while skating 60% of the jams. Other D-Funk rookies gained a lot of track time in this game.
Polly Fester skated in 54% of the jams, Roxanna Hardplace 51%, Eight Mile Rose 40%, and Seoul Slayer 17%.
Although they were beaten by 43 points, D-Funk captain Black Eyed Skeez did a pretty good job assembling a raw bunch of recruits in the past few months and turning them into a derby team. Aside from the disastrous 2nd period, they did manage to win the 1st period and only lost the 3rd period by eight points. With a bit more experience for their rookies, the D-Funk can only move up in the standings.
The Pistoffs are now in the lead for the 2008 DDG regular season with a 1-0 record and a +43 points differential. The Devil’s Night Dames are also 1-0, but are only +13 so they are technically in second place. The Pistolwhippers are third at 0-1 and -13, while the D-Funk Allstars are last at 0-1 and -43.
The next DDG regular season game is on Saturday, January 12, when the Detroit Pistoffs return to action vs. the Pistolwhippers. These two teams have met twice before. The first meeting was for the 2006 DDG Championship which the Pistoffs won 121-113. The Pistolwhippers won the rematch in the 2007 regular season 125-122. So who will win is anyone’s guess. You can see all of the action for yourself by coming out to the Masonic Temple in Detroit, Michigan. Doors open at 6:00 pm, action starts on the track at 7:00 pm. Tickets are $12 in advance and $15 at the door. Check out http://www.detroitderbygirls.com for more info.
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Detroit Derby Girls 2008 Season Preview: D-Funk Allstars vs. Detroit Pistoffs
Posted on December 6, 2007
December 5, 2007- by Rusty Wheeler
The Detroit Derby Girls continue their home season on Saturday, December 8, at the Masonic Temple Drill Hall in Detroit, Michigan, with a game between the D-Funk Allstars and the Detroit Pistoffs. Doors open at 6:00 pm, game starts at 7:00 pm. Tickets are $12 in advance, $15 at the door. See http://www.detroitderbygirls
D-Funk Allstars
Returning: #34DD Barberika, #313 Black Eyed Skeez (captain), #9 Cat’s Meow (assistant captain)(maternity), #5 Damsel Distresser, #23 Ima Wrecker, #777 Juicy Contusion, #813 Tiny Ninja.
Transfers: none.
Rookies: #102 Eight Mile Rose, #46 Fatal Femme, #100% Polly Fester, # 3cc Roxanna Hardplace, #CH4 Seoul Slayer.
Lost: Elbow Derek (retired), Meg Phite (retired), Sass Knuckles (to Pistolwhippers), Vega Vendetta (to Detroit Pistoffs), Vicious Vixen (to Devil’s Night Dames), Whiskey Soured (to Devil’s Night Dames).
Managers: Clobber’n Hobbes, Howie Rollson.
The D-Funk Allstars have got the rockiest road to skate of all of the Detroit Derby Girls teams for the 2008 season. They lost four first-rate players, Sass Knuckles (to the Pistolwhippers), Vega Vendetta (to the Detroit Pistoffs), and both Vicious Vixen and Whiskey Soured to the Devil’s Night Dames. Vega had scored 48.2 Points per Game (PPG) for the D-Funkers, and the other three combined for a total of 19.4 Blocks per Game (BPG). So they will be missed. But life and derby must carry on, and so will the D-Funk Allstars.
The Allstars are anchored by their solid captain, Black Eyed Skeez. Skeez likes to hit other derby girls for fun, to the tune of 10.6 BPG. She also dishes up 5.2 Assists per Game (APG), and earns 9.0 Minors per Game (MPG). While she has not usually been a jammer in the past, she did once score 16 points in a game, so she has the wheels to jam. Don’t be surprised to see this Allstar wearing the jammer’s star at times during the 2007-08 season. Skeez was also the top pivot skater in the DDG in 2007.
The mainstay of the D-Funk offense is Ima Wrecker, probably the most unsung of all of the DDG jammers in the league. Ima has quietly gone about scoring an average of 39.2 PPG, including scoring 61 points in two different games. She scores an average of 3.56 points per jam. Watch for Ima to jam even more this season. Other returnees with jamming experience are Tiny Ninja, aka “Tinja,” and Damsel Distresser. Tinja gets 12.4 PPG, and Damsel garners 5.3 PPG. Neither player has jammed a large number of jams, but watch for them both to wear the star more often. Tinja will miss at least the opening game vs. the Pistoffs with an injury.
The most experienced returning blocker is Juicy Contusion. Juicy has managed to get 3.5 BPG and 5.0 APG, although she has had to fight off some injuries in the past. In a late scratch, Juicy will also miss the season opening game for D-Funk due to a boo-boo. The only other returning player to start the season for D-Funk is Barberika, and she only skated in 2 jams in 2007. Look for Barberika to get some serious playing time as a blocker.
Cat’s Meow, the team’s assistant captain, is on maternity leave, although she hopes to return to action before season’s end. In 2007, Cat’s clawed her way to scoring 21.0 PPG (4.67 PPJ), and also served up 5.3 BPG. If she does get back on wheels, it will be a good thing for the D-Funk, and a bad thing for opposing skaters in the DDG.
The D-Funk did not obtain any experienced players off other teams, but they do have a talented pool of rookies to plug into the lineup. Eight Mile Rose, Fatal Femme, Polly Fester, Roxanna Hardplace, and Seoul Slayer are all eager to show what they got on the track. Polly has some experience skating with the Mitten Kittens, as well as playing ice hockey. Look for Polly and Roxanna to pick up some serious jamming minutes, and the others, as captain Skeez says, “will be awesome blocking additions.”
The Allstars will once again be managed by Clobber’n Hobbes and Howie Rollson. As Howie likes to say, “That’s how we roll, son!”
So, all D-Funk captain Black Eyed Skeez has to do is take her very few core experienced players (and heal the injured ones) and quickly mold her rookies into an effective derby team–that’s all! But that’s derby. The Allstars hope to see you cheer them on and “get funked up!”
Detroit Pistoffs
Returning: #L1 Bikini Killer (assistant captain), #33.3 Cookie Rumble (captain), #XX Deadly Dose (injured reserve), #20 Devil Kitty (injured in 2007), #$ Effin’ Money, #6 Elle McFearsome, #12 Rude Awakening, #26 Smashing Darling, #66 Soldier Doll (on leave), #420 Wanda Throwdown.
Transfers: #181 Vega Vendetta (from D-Funk Allstars)
Rookies: #480km Beaver Fever, #213 Violet-N-Deed, #4 all Justass (injured).
Lost: Jugsy Siegel (retired), Miss Canada (moved), Pain MacGowan (moved), Rogue (retired), Ms. Misery (retired manager).
Managers: Glamazon (former Motown Hit Squad manager), Jive Tofurkey (rookie).
The Detroit Pistoffs will once again be led by their captain, Cookie Rumble. A strong argument can be made for Cookie being the best overall player in the league after she repeated as league MVP and Defensive Blocker in 2007. She doesn’t jam a lot, but does score 20.4 Points per Game (PPG), which is also an excellent 3.52 Points per Jam (PPJ), when she does jam. She dishes out 7.4 Assists per Game (APG), and leads the league with an amazing 20.4 Blocks per Game (BPG). Cookie also deals in “intangibles” that make every skater around her better. Cookie led her team to the 2006 Detroit Derby Girl Championship, and she and her team are definitely “Pistoff” that they didn’t repeat as champs in 2007. That may give them a bit of the “chip on the shoulder” mentality they will need to reclaim the title in 2008. Cookie is ably assisted by her sister, Elle McFearsome, who racks up some impressive stats with 18,8 PPG (2.69 PPJ), 12.2 BPG, and 7.0 APG. Like Cookie, Elle can play all the positions, blocker, jammer, and pivot, and performs admirably at all. Both players are not afraid to mix it up, either, as Cookie gets penalized with 10.6 Minors per Game (MPG) and Elle gets whistled for 10.0 MPG.
A mainstay of the Pistoffs defense is Bikini Killer, a hard-hitting workhorse who skates in 69% of her team’s jams and who piles up 11.0 BPG as well as 7.8 APG. Bikini manages to stay out of the penalty box for the most part, only spending 9 minutes in the box on 6.3 MPG over four regular season games. Also on defense is Smashing Darling. Smashing has battled a minor injury bug over the past two seasons, but has managed to amass 6.0 BPG and 5.8 APG. Wanda Throwdown has skated in only 22% of the jams in games she has participated in, and will most likely be called upon to help carry the load defensively in the 2008 season.
The Pistoffs were hampered in 2007 by the loss to injury of their best and most dangerous jammer, Deadly Dose. Deadly scored 143 points in only 3 games (47.7 PPG) before being injured, and was scoring 5.30 PPJ. She begins the season on injured reserve, with hopes of being able to return to action at some time in the future. The Pistoffs will need to replace Deadly’s offense, and two likely candidates to do some serious jamming are returnees Rude Awakening and Effin’ Money. Rude has managed to score 18.2 PPG, and Effin’ scores 8.0 PPG. Rude has scored as many as 30 points in a game, and Effin’s high score is 16. Perhaps they will be joined as a jammer by another returnee, Devil Kitty, who got into one game in 2007 after missing a fairly lengthy period of time due to placement on the rehabilitation shelf after an injury sustained in the 2006 season.
The Pistoffs’ offense will no doubt be led by Vega Vendetta, who previously skated for the D-Funk Allstars and who was named DDG Jammer of the year in 2006 and 2007. Vega has some really impressive jamming stats, scoring 48.2 PPG (4.38 PPJ), and scoring a high of 66 points in one game. Vega also skates in 48% of her team’s jams, so she is durable.
The Pistoffs hope to get some usable service out of a pool of rookies that includes
Beaver Fever, Violet-N-Deed, and Justass. While Justass will miss the Pistoffs first game of the season due to injury (there’s a lot of that going around in derby, don’t you think!?), watch for “Beav” and Violet to take part in jams as blockers early on.
The Pistoffs have lost some players from last season. Jugsy Siegel and Rogue have retired from derby, and Miss Canada and Pain MacGowan have moved to other cities. Currently, Pistoffs veteran Soldier Doll is on military leave and is off “playing” in the sandbox, although she expects to return to action on the hardwood before the season ends.
The Pistoffs are managed by Glamazon, who managed the Motown Hit Squad in the first two DDG exhibitions, then retired from derby but missed it and is now back in the fold, and rookie manager Jive Tofurkey. Ms. Misery was the manager in 2007.
While it is not certain the Pistoffs can regain the championship in 2008, it is certain they will skate hard in every jam of every game they are in. You can count on that!
———————-
These two teams have played each other only once before with the Pistoffs winning 102-65 in 2007. In that game the Pistoffs Elle McFearsome was MVP and Offensive Blocker of the Game, while teammates Rude Awakening and Cookie Rumble got Top Jammer and Defensive Blocker, respectively. In a mostly defensive game, Rude scored 28 points, Cookie 20, and Elle scored 18 points for the Pistoffs. Elle was also a plus 51 for the game, leading all skaters, while Cookie was a plus 48. The two each had 25 defensive blocks in the game. Vega Vendetta scored 26 points for her then-team D-Funk, while Ima Wrecker scored 23 for the Allstars. Black Eyed Skeez had 9 and Whiskey Soured had 8 defensive blocks for D-Funk in that first game between these two adversaries,
Who will prevail in the 2008 season? Come on out to the Masonic Temple in Detroit and find out first hand! PS get there early to ensure getting a “suicide” seat so you’ll get as close to action as possible without wearing skates!
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