The D-Funk Allstars funked up the Devil’s Night Dames on February 13, totally extinguishing the Dames jammers, en route to a 102-59 victory. D-Funk limited the Dames to just 15 points in the 1st half; the Allstars led 53-15 at the halftime break. The 2nd half was much closer in score, although the Funk still won that half by a 49-44 tally. The Funk had more lead jammers in the opening half, 13-6, and held the Dames scoreless in 13 of the half’s 19 jams. D-Funk played mostly defensively in the half, although they enjoyed two big jams where the Funk’s Ghetto Barbie scored a 10-0 power jam win with the Dames jammer in the penalty box and when Polly Fester reeled off a 14-0 double grand slam win. The Funk got 45% if their 1st-half points in those two jams.

Play was fairly even in the 2nd half. The Dames had a slight edge in lead jammers, 9-8, but could never get any closer than 30 points behind in the half. The offensive highlight of the game for the Dames came when Formosa Fury scored a 10-0 double grand slam power jam win in jam 9. The D-Funk kept their jammers out of penalty trouble in the half, though, only losing two jammers to the box, and only allowing 12 points against by way of power jams, so the Dames were never able to catch up.

I had expected this game to be a shootout between the two star jammers, Racer McChaseHer for the Dames and Sista Slit’chya for the Funk; surprisingly, Racer only scored 21 points while jamming only 8 times, and Sista scored a mere 25 points in 10 jams. Formosa Fury was the only other Dames jammer to score in double-digits, and she had 16 points. The Funk were bolstered by Ghetto Barbie with 21 points, boo d. livers with 18, and Polly Fester with 17 pts. D-Funk’s Black Eyed Skeez also scored 6 points as a pivot when Roxanna Hardplace passed her the star in the 2nd half.

Several skaters had outstanding blocking efforts. For the Funk, Roxanna Hardplace led the way with a total of 46 actions (blocks, assists, and knockdowns). Her teammates Black Eyed Skeez had 35 actions, Fatal Femme had 30 (and was named game MVP), and Polly Fester had 25 actions. For the Dames, it seemed Racer McChaseHer was concentrating more on blocking than jamming as Racer had a fine total of 38 actions to lead her team. The Dames’ Vicious Vixen had 35 actions, Rock Candy had 31, Spanish Ass’assin and Summers Eve-L each had 23, and Whiskey Soured had 22 actions, including a game-high 10 knockdowns.

Rosters

D-Funk Allstars: 313 Black Eyed Skeez; 24/7 boo d. livers; 9 Cat’s Meow; 102 Eight Mile Rose; 46 Fatal Femme (captain); Section 8 Ghetto Barbie; 45 rpm Holly Hitsville; 23 Ima Wrecker; 925 Loca Lola; 10/6 The Mad Hatcher; 100% Polly Fester; 3cc Roxanna Hardplace (asscap); CH4 Seoul Slayer; 5” Blade Sista Slit’chya; 813 Tiny Ninja; Crazy88 Zooma Thurman.

Devil’s Night Dames: U-235 Ann Atomic; .40 cal Betty Beretta; 724 Dizzy Devine; 886 Formosa Fury; tat2 Inky Gash; 187 Lady MacDeath; 9mm Muffy Mafioso; 2.8 Racer McChaseHer; 10¢ Rock Candy; .223 Spanish Ass’assin; 68 Summers Eve-L; ? Tess Tackles; -0 Vicious Vixen (captain); 31 Whiskey Soured (asscap); 17 Yo-Yo.

MVP - Fatal Femme (D-Funk)
Jammer of the Game - Ghetto Barbie (D-Funk)
Offensive Blocker of the Game - Roxanna Hardplace (D-Funk)
Defensive Blocker of the Game - Racer McChaseHer (Dames)

Future

The Detroit Derby Girls next intraleague game is Saturday, March 13, with last year’s defending champs the Pistolwhippers entertaining the Devil’s Night Dames. The game is at the historic Masonic Temple in downtown Detroit, doors at 6pm, game at 7pm. More info at http://www.detroitderbygirls.com.

Sass Knuckles skates for the Pistolwhippers and played Smother Theresa in Whip It.  I asked her a few questions about being part of a major motion picture filmed right here in Detroit.  You can check out Sass on film and some of our other DDG star skaters/actresses at a special viewing of Whip It this Wednesday in Ferndale.

WHIP IT Brew & View - Magic Bag, Ferndale
Dec 16, 9:00pm

Doors open at 8:00pm
Admission $2.oo

Sass, on a typical day of shooting how long were you actually on skates?

We were on skates for hours at a time but weren’t actually skating unless we were doing second unit stunting.  Most of the time we were geared up and ready just in case they needed us.

What was it like skating on a banked track?  Was it strange to go back to a flat track afterward?

The banked track was fun, but I found it hard on my feet due to the slope.  It was a lot easier to gain speed but harder to time a hit than a flat track.  I prefer skating flat track as it feels a lot less restricted.
It wasn’t too strange to get back because we weren’t really playing on the banked track. We had warm up time and fooled around a bit, but I’ve only played “real derby” on the flat track.

In the Whip It trailer there’s a snippet from the scene where you and Black Eyed Skeez roll into a thrift store and slap some fliers down on the counter.  What was your initial reaction when you first saw yourself in the trailer?

I squealed a bit and called my mom.

If it was draft day and the Pistolwhippers got one pick from the roller derby actresses, who would you draft and why?

I would draft Zoe Bell.  I get the feeling she could learn anything.  She was doing 360 degree jumps on her skates the first time I saw her on wheels.  She tried and fell a few times and the next time she had it down.  She’s fearless.

What was your favorite scene to film?

My favorite is also my least favorite.  The food fight scene was awesome because everyone got to hang out together all day and before we filmed the scene… but the combination of chili, hot dogs, shakes, and pie was horrible.  While we were waiting for the actresses to do their parts some of us (like Whiskey) were making gross concoctions to throw once the time came.  Everyone smelled like vomit when we were done.  My carpool had to ride home with all the windows down.

Most skaters skated in the movie under their chosen skater name.  You didn’t.  Why the name change, Smother Theresa?  How did it make you feel to have a fake skater name, an alias to an alias?

They changed my name to pay homage to one of the derby choreographers for the movie, Axles of Evil.  She played for Texas under the name Smother Theresa.  It was confusing since the movie people called me Smother or my real name and all the Detroit girls called me Sass. I had a lot to answer to.

You just had your first child.  What do you think he’ll say when he’s old enough to realize that his mother was in a major motion picture?  Having a mom that’s a roller derby player and a movie star should give him some major street credit on the playground, right?

Either that or he’ll be totally embarrassed… “yeah, that’s my mom with all the tattoos and the weird hair… please don’t judge me.”  He’ll probably end up a young republican to rebel.  My mom and husband are saving all these clippings and pictures for him to see how “cool” his mom is.  I don’t know what he’ll think about it.  I don’t know what other parents will think about it either!

Detroit derby fans were treated to a highly entertaining, back-and-forth derby match until finally, the Devil’s Night Dames “reignited the flame” and outlasted the Detroit Pistoffs, 122-115. The Dames led by as much as 17 points early in each half, while the Pistoffs claimed a 13 point lead late in the 1st half. Racer McChaseHer (Dames) and Cookie Rumble (Pistoffs) were named co-MVPs of the game. Racer, who scored 60 points and delivered 7 grand slams, was also a plus 47 as a jammer and plus 54 overall. She also contributed 20 “actions” (assists and blocks) along the way. Cookie led her team with 42 points, scoring 6 grand slams of her own, and was a plus 36 as a jammer and plus 41 overall. She also led the Pistoffs defense with 26 actions.

The Pistoffs led 70-65 at halftime, but then both teams got defensive in the 2nd half. Most of the 2nd half scoring occurred in the first 8 jams. Then in the final 12 jams of the half, the Dames scored 12 points to the Pistoffs 7 points. Six of those jams were 0-0 deadlocks. After the Dames regained the lead for good in jam 6, on the strength of Racer McChaseHer’s 19-0 jam, they turned up the defense the rest of the way. Altogether, the Dames outscored the Pistoffs 57-45 in the 2nd half, en route to their victory.

There were some high-scoring jams in this game, though Effin’ Money and Cookie Rumble each had 20-0 jams for the Pistoffs. Racer McChaseHer had her aforementioned 19-0 jam as well as another 15-0 jam, and teammate Muffy Mafioso chipped in with a 13-0 jam of her own.

Coming into this game, the Pistoffs were 5-1 lifetime vs. the Dames, including victories in the 2008 DDG Championship game and the 2009 DDG consolation game. This victory augurs well for the Dames, as they tend to either go winless in a season, or make it to the league championship.

Rosters

Detroit Pistoffs: 754 Anne T. Orthodox; 303 Bruisie Siouxxx; 728 Combat Cat; 33-1/3 Cookie Rumble; 20 Devil Kitty; $ Effin’ Money; 6 Elle McFearsome; 428 Freakin’ Rican; 2012 Goodnight Gracie; 82.4 proof Jenn Ann Tonic; 669 Maim West; 80 Mean Streak; 1821 Mexi-Go (captain); 181 Vega Vendetta; 213 Violet-N-Deed (asscap); Thunderkiss ’65 Yin. Managers: Butz; Wanda Throwdown.

Devil’s Night Dames: .40 cal Betty Beretta; 724 Dizzy Devine; 886 Formosa Fury; tat2 Inky Gash; 187 Lady MacDeath; 9mm Muffy Mafioso; 2.8 Racer McChaseHer; 1337 Riot Nrrrd; 10¢ Rock Candy; .223 Spanish Ass’assin; 68 Summers Eve-L; ? (infinity) Tess Tackles; - 0 Vicious Vixen; 31 Whiskey Soured; 17 Yo-Yo. Managers: Candy Man; Uncle Bodybagz.

1st Half

The Pistoffs started Elle McFearsome at pivot, Mexi-Go, Freakin’ Rican, and Violet-N-Deed at blocker, and Effin’ Money at jammer. The Dames countered with pivot Whiskey Soured, blockers Summers Eve-L, Rock Candy, and Vicious Vixen, and jammer Racer McChaseHer, and it was Racer winning the jam 3-1. The Dames Yo-Yo squared off against Cookie Rumble in jam 2, and it was a 4-4 draw. Muffy Mafioso added a 3-0 win for the Dames in jam 3, and the Dames were off to a quick 10-5 lead. Formosa Fury got lead for the Dames in jam 4, but Effin’ Money eked out a 3-2 win for the Pistoffs. Combat Cat then tied the score at 12-12 with a 4-0 win for the Pistoffs in jam 5.

Yo-Yo edged the Dames back out in front in jam 6 with a 3-0 win, then Muffy Mafioso scored a double grand slam 10-0 win for the Dames in jam 7, jumping their lead to 25-12. Racer McChaseHer and Combat Cat managed a 2-2 tie next, followed by a 4-0 win for Formosa Fury in jam 9. Effin’ Money got those last four points back for the Pistoffs with a 4-0 win in jam 10. It was 31-18 for the Dames.

Vega Vendetta got the first big jam for the Pistoffs in jam 11, getting two slams in a 10-0 win. Vega took advantage of the Dames jammer, Yo-Yo, getting sent to the box for a major track cut. That cut the Dames lead to 31-28. Goodnight Gracie followed that up with a 9-3 (including a slam) win over Muffy Mafioso, and the Pistoffs were on top, 37-34. That lead didn’t last long as on the very next jam Formosa Fury rang up a 4-0 win, restoring the Dames lead at 38-37.

Racer McChaseHer then ripped off a 15-0 triple grand slam win in jam 14 to extend the Dames lead to 53-37. Her blockers, Whiskey Soured, Summers Eve-L, Rock Candy, and Vicious Vixen (derby veterans all), contained Pistoffs jammer Vega Vendetta within the pack for the entire jam with some excellent blocking. While Summers started that jam in the box, the Pistoffs had three blockers, Elle McFearsome, Combat Cat, and Bruisie Siouxxx, all spend time in the box during that jam as well.

The Pistoffs proved their resiliency in jams 15 and 16 with Cookie Rumble and Effin’ Money skating to 4-0 and 20-0 wins, respectively. Effin’ had four grand slams in the jam, aided by Dames jammer Yo-Yo going to the penalty box twice, as well as Dames blockers Rock Candy and Spanish Ass’assin each getting sent off once. That jumped the Pistoffs from being down by 16 points to leading by 8. Elle McFearsome then took advantage of a still boxed Yo-Yo by notching a 5-0 slam win for the Pistoffs in jam 17, giving her squad a 66-53 lead, the largest margin they were to lead by for the evening.

The Dames chopped into the Pistoffs lead in the final two jams of the half. Racer McChaseHer got another slam in a 9-3 win over Goodnight Gracie in jam 18, then Muffy Mafioso edged Effin’ Money 3-1 to close out the half with the Pistoffs in front, 70-65.

The Dames had the edge in lead jammers in the half, 11-8, although the Pistoffs scored more grand slams, 8-6. The Dames lost 12 skaters to the sin bin in the half (only two jammers), while the Pistoffs had 15 skaters sent off, although no jammers were amongst those penalized. Pack play was fairly even. The Pistoffs blockers generated 58 actions (blocks & assists), while the Dames blockers contributed 53 actions.

2nd Half

Racer McChaseHer further cut into the Pistoffs lead by opening the 2nd half with a 6-3 victory over Effin’ Money. Effin’ got a minor for cutting the track, then was sent to the box for a major back block. The Pistoffs defense of Elle McFearsome, Mexi-Go, Freakin’ Rican, and Vega Vendetta did well to limit the damage. Formosa Fury then put the Dames back on top, 75-73, with a 4-0 win in jam 2. Dizzy Devine helped the Dames cause with a 3-0 win in jam 3 to stretch the Dames lead to 78-73.

The next several jams were the wildest of the game. Muffy Mafioso got a big 13-0 double slam win in jam 4, and the Dames led by 91-73, their largest lead of the night. Then Cookie Rumble came right back with a 20-0, quadruple grand slam power jam, and the Pistoffs were back in front, 93-91. Then it was Racer’s turn again as she racked up a 19-0 jam for the Dames. The Pistoffs had two blockers in the box at times during the jam, but the Dames also had three skaters in the box at times. But the Dames lead was restored at 110-93. Cookie came right back with another 10-0 double slam win for the Pistoffs in jam 7, cutting the Dames lead to 110-103, then in jam 8 Vega Vendetta got a 5-0 slam win for the Pistoffs, cutting the lead to 110-108.

Muffy Mafioso took a 4-0 win for the Dames in jam 9, helped by Pistoffs jammer Combat Cat going to the box for a 4th minor. That put the Dames up by 114-108, and then the game went into total defense mode. Yo-Yo got a 1-0 win for the Dames in jam 10, then her teammate Dizzy Devine skated to a 1-1 tie with Vega Vendetta in jam 11. Jam 12 was scoreless. Racer McChaseHer worked her way to a 4-0 win in jam 13, then jams 14 through 16 were scoreless. The Dames benefited from the Pistoffs would-be jammer, Combat Cat, getting sent off the track at the start of jam 16 because she was too late getting on the track. In spite of that, the Dames couldn’t score in that jam due to excellent  D put up by Pistoffs blockers Bruisie Siouxxx, Elle McFearsome, Cookie Rumble, and Effin’ Money. It was still the Dames leading, but only by 120-109.

Vega Vendetta got a 2-0 win for the Pistoffs in jam 17, cutting the lead to 120-111. Then the final three jams of the night were the Cookie vs. Racer show, as those two skaters jammed for their respective teams in each of those jams. Racer got lead jammer in jam 18, slowed down, keeping Cookie behind her, then called off the jam. Then the Dames called their last time-out in order to rest Racer so as to get her out there for one last jam. Of course, that meant the Pistoffs also got to rest Cookie.

Then in that jam 19, Racer got sent to the box, but recovered in time so that Cookie was only able to win the jam 4-2, cutting the lead to 122-115. As time was winding down in that jam, it appeared that it just might be the final jam of the night. But no! Dames pivot skater, Whiskey Soured, fell heavily in the middle of the track, and was definitely shaken up, so the referees called off the jam for an injury time-out with 21 seconds remaining on the game clock. That left time for yet one more jam. In somewhat of an anti-climax, Racer grabbed lead, and just as the game clock ticked down to 0:00 she called the jam off, securing the Dames hard-fought win over the Pistoffs, 122-115.

In the 2nd half, the Dames managed to outscore the Pistoffs 57-45 to overcome the Pistoffs 5-point halftime lead. Thirty-five of the Pistoffs points came in only 3 jams, meaning they only scored 10 points in the other 17 jams of the half. The Pistoffs were shut-out in 13 of the half’s 20 jams, and the Dames were goose-egged in 10 jams. The Dames once again had more lead jammers, 11-7, and once again the Pistoffs had more grand slams, 7-5. Eleven Pistoffs skaters went to the penalty box, while the Dames lost 13 skaters to the box. Each team lost two jammers to the box.  Pistoffs blockers tabulated 43 actions to 38 for the Dames in the 2nd half.

Afterthoughts

Experience really counted in this game, as it was each team mostly playing their high-experience players, and those same players thus gathered most of the stats generated on the night. Of the games 39 total jams, the Pistoffs skated Cookie Rumble and Elle McFearsome in 24 jams each, then Bruisie Siouxxx in 21 jams, Mexi-Go in 20, and Vega Vendetta in 16 jams. The Dames top five most-used skaters were Summers Eve-L (28 jams), Whiskey Soured (26), Rock Candy (25), Vicious Vixen (24), and Racer McChaseHer in 23 jams. Each team did also get some experience for their rookies. Perhaps if the game had turned into a blow-out for either team the newer skaters would have seen more track time.

The game featured a high-scoring 1st half, followed by a mostly defensive 2nd-half, so there was something for fans of each style of play. Most Detroit derby matches in the past have featured all-out fast packs, but there was more of slow, really slow packs in this game at times, although they never quite played the “stop” game that was evidenced at the recent WFTDA National Championship tourney.

Statistics

Returning to her “phenom” days, the Dames Racer McChaseHer led all scorers with 60 points while jamming 10 times with 8 leads and 7 grand slams. Other Dames jammers were: Muffy Mafioso (36 points, 8 jams, 6 leads, 4 slams); Formosa Fury (14 pts, 4 jams, 4 leads); Yo-Yo (8 pts, 9 jams, 3 leads); Dizzy Devine (4 pts, 7 jams, 1 lead); Inky Gash (0 pts, 1 jam).

Cookie Rumble led the way for the Pistoffs with 42 points in 8 jams with 5 leads and 6 grand slams. Also contributing for the Pistoffs: Effin’ Money (32 pts, 10 jams, 2 leads, 4 slams); Vega Vendetta (18 pts, 10 jams, 4 leads, 3 slams); Goodnight Gracie (12 pts, 4 jams, 1 lead, 1 slam); Combat Cat (6 pts, 5 jams, 2 leads); Elle McFearsome (5 pts, 1 jam, 1 lead, 1 slam).

Leading all defenders was the Dames Vicious Vixen with 27 actions, including 3 knockdowns. The rest of the Dames defense was led by Racer McChaseHer (20 actions, also with 3 KDs), Summers Eve-L (14) and Rock Candy (13 actions).

The Pistoffs were led by Cookie Rumble with 26 actions, followed by Elle McFearsome (22), Bruisie Siouxxx (19), and Combat Cat with 19 actions (including 3 KDs).

Racer McChaseHer led the plus/minus ratings with an overall plus 54 (plus 47 as a jammer). She was followed by teammates Rock Candy with plus 35, Muffy Mafioso with plus 29, and Vicious Vixen and Whiskey Soured each with plus 17.

Cookie Rumble led the Pistoffs defense with a plus 41 overall (plus 36 as a jammer), followed by Maim West (plus 40), Bruisie Siouxxx (plus 21) and Anne T. Orthodox and Devil Kitty each with plus 15.

Future

The Detroit Derby Girls return to action on Saturday, January 9, when it’s the Pistolwhippers up against the Detroit Pistoffs. Each team is 0-1 this season, and 2-2 lifetime versus each other. The loser will be effectively eliminated from championship contention this season, so the game is sure to be fought down to the last ball bearing! The game is at the Masonic Temple in downtown Detroit, doors at 6pm, game at 7pm. More info at http://www.detroitderbygirls.com/.

Riot Nrrrd skates for the Devil’s Night Dames and is sick of always losing.  She’s looking to get her revenge tonight and isn’t afraid to talk about it. Riot and I sat down and crunched numbers, precise grammar, the serious side of roller derby business, and the rock star opportunities that arise from being a dame on wheels.

You’ve played for over a year and a half and have yet to win a game.  However the Dames have a new training system in place and are looking for a fight. Can you tell us a little bit about the new regime?

Well, the Dames have had a history of high player turnover, but this year we’ve retained more skaters than ever before.  Last year we drafted about a million rookies, including myself, and we n00bs have been learning and working hard all year, including playing a lot of MCDL games during the “off-season.”  And the rookies we picked up in the recent pre-season draft, Betty Beretta and Formosa Fury, are not to be trifled with.

We also have two awesome new managers with hockey backgrounds, Candyman and Uncle Bodybagz, who are bringing a new perspective and some additional cohesion to the team.

But our new training system…..that’s top-secret!

What do you think of the Detroit Pistoffs?

You know, Holly, in all these interviews when you ask the skater about the other team, they always say such nice and encouraging things.  Where is the playful trash talk, I want to know?

So, what do I think of the Pistoffs?  I think they’re about to get Pist ON this Saturday!    (Ohhhhh, BURN!)

What makes you particularly nerdy?

Hmm.  The fact that my number is 1337?  The fact that I’m in my 9th year of post-secondary education?  The fact that I do science experiments for a living?

As the derby girls that I carpool with can report, I will often inundate them with nrrrdy trivia such as the fact that “Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.” is a grammatically correct sentence or give them the history of internet memes.

Being a member of the league is a lot more than just skating in bouts. There’re countless hours of practicing, committee/business meetings, making policy, and events/meet and greets.

What do you think the most challenging thing is about being a derby girl off skates?

I think the hardest part is remembering that we, the skaters, in fact run this league, and that if we don’t do it, it doesn’t get done.  It’s so easy to hang up your skates at the end of the day and forget the business aspects of derby.  Obviously hitting a jammer to the floor is way more fun than, say, drafting a committee budget, but ultimately, we can’t have the former without the latter.

You were recently on the radio. Tell us about that event and what you liked about it.

Well, you (Holly Hitsville), Tess Tackles, and I were on “Pandora’s Lunchbox,” a half-hour radio show, ostensibly about food, on Ann Arbor’s WCBN.   Our segment aired on Thanksgiving.

My favorite part was actually hanging out in the studio beforehand.  It made me feel like a rock star.  We sat around drinking our coffee and sitting on 3000 year-old couches in a room plastered floor to ceiling with band stickers.  The host of the show, Mike Perini, gave us skating magazines from the ‘40s to page through, and we explored the studio.

Rolling onto the track in front of a sold-out crowd for the first time can be daunting as a rollercoaster of emotion battles against all the training that has lead up to this one moment.  Tonight, Yin will experience this firsthand.  I caught up with one of our newly minted Detroit Pistoff to talk about being a derby girl, the Fresh Meat experience, and why hairdressers always seem to be up to date on the coolest things.

Why did you want to become a Detroit Derby Girl?

In early 2005, I met a girl through Myspace, who is in the Kentucky Roller Derby. I was unaware that the sport even existed and became fascinated with it. I searched the internet trying to discover if Detroit had a league but never found a website. Then in late 2008 my hairdresser brought up the Detroit Derby Girls. To my amazement, I rushed home, went online, found the website and started attending the bouts. I fell in love instantly and just had to sign up for it. So I did and now here I am.

What’s it like being part of the Detroit Pistoffs?

I love being a Pistoff! I really can’t imagine any other team being able to handle my personality. Also, they have had incredible patience with teaching me how to be a better player and skater because I am such an amateur. Being a Pistoff I feel completely at home! I’m accepted, loved, and allowed to be myself, which means being outrageously loud and a cuckoo.

When skaters try out they go through Boot Camp with other skaters that we call Fresh Meat. This group tends to bond but then gets broken up when the Fresh Meat become Rookies and get drafted to one of the four home teams.

How has your experience as a member of an actual team differed from being a part of Fresh Meat?

I would describe it as being a child and then finally entering into adulthood. Each Fresh Meat skater was assigned a Derby Den Mother who supported and assisted us in our training. Getting drafted was our way of maturing and finally being able to call ourselves real derby girls…not just saying we were one in our hearts.

How are you feeling headed into your very first bout? Nervous? Prepared?

I am nervous only because I do not want to make any crucial errors and disappoint my team. Regardless, I know that I will enjoy myself and give it my all.

Any particular Devil’s Night Dames you’re going to keep an eye on while out on the track?

Hah yes! I told YoYo that I am going to pay her back for bruising up my left bum pretty bad. However, I think Whiskey is going to be after me because I don’t think she likes me constantly slapping her butt during league practices.

The 7th time was the charm for the D-Funk Allstars as they finally defeated their nemesisters, the Pistolwhippers, 175 to 69. The ‘Whippers had won the first six games by an average margin of victory of 13 points in each game; the D-Funkers got their payback in this game, winning by 106 points. In three of the previous meetings between these two squads, the Pistolwhippers had broken the hearts of the “Green Machine” by winning on the very last jam of the game (one of those games in overtime). This time, though, the D-Funk didn’t leave a chance of a late ‘Whippers victory, as last year’s 2nd place team jumped out to a 23-0 lead after 5 jams, and led 92-25 at halftime.

Coming into this game, the Pistolwhippers were 6-0 versus the D-Funk, but only 4-4 overall against the other two Detroit Derby Girls teams. The D-Funk were 4-3 versus the other two teams in the league, but 0-6 against the Pistolwhippers. The Pistolwhippers are the reigning DDG Champions (2009, undefeated) and have garnered three trips to the big show and two victories (in 2007 also) in the league’s four year history.

Rosters

D-Funk All Stars: 313 Black Eyed Skeez; 24/7 boo d. livers; 9 Cat’s Meow; 46 Fatal Femme (captain); Section 8 Ghetto Barbie; 45 rpm Holly Hitsville; 23 Ima Wrecker; 925 Loca Lola; 10/6 The Mad Hatcher; 100% Polly Fester; 3cc Roxanna Hardplace (ass cap); CH4 Seoul Slayer; 5″ Blade Sista Slit’chya; 813 Tinja; Crazy88 Zooma Thurman.

PistolWhippers: 27 A.O. Lesgo; 44 Bytch Ryder (captain); MC5 Cassie Corridor; 01 Cold Fusion; N2O Cool Whip; 76 Del Bomber; I-75 Diesel Doll; 11 Elle Iminator; 1974 Honey Suckit (ass cap); 35th Lady Jackie O. Noyoudidn’t; 3.9 Kara Thrash; .357 Karma Shoot’Ya; 29 Mega Bloxx; 42 Midnight Vulture; 989 Sarah Hipel.

1st Half

The D-Funk came on strong right out of the gate. They opened with their top jammer, Sista Slit’chya (Jammer of the Game), who tallied a 4-0 jam. That was followed up by Polly Fester’s 10-0 double grand slam in jam 2. Sista topped her maroon-clad opponents 3-0 and 2-0 in jams 3 and 5, sandwiched around boo d. livers 4-0 run in jam 4. It was 23-0 for the D-Funk. Where D-Funk jammed their star jammer Sista Slit’chya three times in those first five jams, the ‘Whippers elected to jam skaters historically known for their blocking in the first four jams, waiting until jam 5 to place the star on Sarah Hipel (2008 Jammer of the Year), one of their best.

After a scoreless jam 6, Hipel finally got the Whippers on the board with a 6-0 grand slam run in jam 7. That momentarily cut the D-Funk lead to 23-6, but after a scoreless eighth jam, the Funk came right back with a 14-0 jam. boo d. livers scored all 14 of the D-Funk points before passing the star to her pivot skater, Fatal Femme, whose time was cut short by the whistle. Jam 10 was a 2-2 deadlock between Sista Slit’chya and Honey Suckit, making the score 39-8 for the D-Funk after ten. Honey’s points marked only the 2nd jam of 10 where the ‘Whippers could score.

The Whippers did score 17 more points in the last eight jams of the opening half, while getting shut out by the machine-like defense of the D-Funk five times. Diesel Doll put up the best effort of the 1st half for the ‘Whippers by scoring 9 points in jam 13, and earning a grand slam along the way. Honey Suckit and Sarah Hipel each scored 4 more points in those last eight jams.

But while the ‘Whippers were scoring their 17 points, the D-Funk posted 53 more of their own. They were shut out in half of those jams, but they posted a 14-0 run (with two slams) in jam 11 by Sista Slit’chya, followed by a superb 25 point jam! The ‘Whippers two blockers (Bytch Ryder and Cold Fusion) and their jammer (Cool Whip) were sent to the penalty box during that jam, and the D-Funk played a smart slow game allowing Sista to rack up 5 power-jam grand slams. Tinja chipped in with a 9 point jam, and boo d. livers closed out the half with a grand slam. At the half it was 92-25 for the D-Funk, and it seemed the crowd was a little stunned as most folks were figuring this would be another close game, as history would have led us to believe.

In the 1st half’s 18 jams, D-Funk held an edge of 10-7 in lead jammers, but posted 13 grand slams to only 2 for the Pistolwhippers. Overall, the ‘Whippers lost jammers to the box four times, while the D-Funk Allstars only had one jammer boxed for a minute.

D-Funk’s Roxanna Hardplace led all blockers with a combined 16 Actions in the first half, 11 Attacks (or defensive maneuvers) and 5 offensive Assists. Her teammates Black Eyed Skeez had 11 Actions, and Fatal Femme had 8. The Pistolwhippers were led defensively by Del Bomber and Sarah Hipel with 9 actions, followed by Bytch Ryder with 8. The Whippers did not record any offensive actions in the half.

2nd Half

Honey Suckit won the opening jam of the 2nd half for the ‘Whippers over Roxanna Hardplace, but only by a 5-4 margin. Diesel Doll took the 2nd jam 2-0 for the ‘Whippers, but then D-Funk got a 15-0 jam. boo d. livers scored a 5-0 grand slam, then passed the star to her pivot, Polly Fester, who went on to score two more slams for another 10 points. Ghetto Barbie added another 9 points for the Funk in jam 4 (with a slam), but Sarah Hipel was able to get 4 points back for the ‘Whippers in that jam after the star was passed to her from sophomore jammer Jackie O. Noyoudidn’t. It was 120-36 in favor of the Funk.

Honey Suckit eked out a 1-0 jam for the Whippers in jam 5, even with Sista Slit’chya in possession of lead status. Honey snuck by and got the point just before Sista could call the jam. But then D-Funk came right back with 4-0 and 5-0 jams by boo d. livers and Black Eyed Skeez. Sista got lead in jam 8, but Sarah Hipel put up 9 points to her 2 after Sista was sent to the sin bin. Sista Slit’chya came back strong with a 14-2 jam 9 when the Whippers jammer, Honey Suckit, took a turn in the box. After a scoreless jam 10, it was D-Funk leading 145-48.

The Funk remained in control the rest of the way with a 9-0 jam by Black Eyed Skeez, a 9-0 by pivot Sista Slit’chya after taking a star pass from boo d. livers. Sista had a 4-1 jam over Diesel Doll, boo took jam 16 with 3 points to a ‘Whippers goose egg, and Polly Fester closed out the scoring for the D-Funk Allstars with a 5-0 slam. Sarah Hipel put up 2 for the Whippers in jam 14, then she closed out the game in jam 19 with a 14-0 jam with two grand slams to leave the final score at 175 to 69 for the D-Funk Allstars.

The D-Funk once again had an edge in lead jammers, this time 11-6, and outscored the ‘Whippers by 83-44 in the final half. D-Funk also had the edge in grand slams, 10 to 3. As far as can be determined, the ‘Whippers lost the only jammer to the box in the final half. Although the score was lopsided, there was still some hard hitting going on in the half. The ‘Whippers had two excellent defensive efforts by Elle Iminator (Defensive Player of the Game) with 19 defensive blocks and Del Bomber with 15 blocks. Their teammates Cool Whip and Karma Shootya chipped in with 6 defensive blocks each in the half. Fatal Femme led the D-Funk 2nd half defense with 5 defensive blocks, also contributing 3 assists.

Afterthoughts

The D-Funk Allstars took out some serious built-up frustration on the Pistolwhippers on Saturday night, winning for the first time versus the ‘Whippers in their history, as was mentioned above. The Funk featured solid blocking from every one of their skaters who laced up skates, their jammers skated determinedly, and they were not to be denied on this night. Strong defensive performances went all the way down the bench for the returning skaters including a strong sophomore support performance by Zooma Thurman (Offensive Player of the Game) who earned a 5.86 +/- average (2nd in league behind teammate Seoul Slayer), 5 assists in 7 jams (a stunning 0.7 per jam average), a crowd-rousing double offensive block, and a league-leading pair of offensive knockdowns. This game, as is the usual Detroit tradition to open a new season, was a rematch of the Championship game from 2009. The D-Funk showed in this game they are a force to reckon with for this new season, but don’t count out the Pistolwhippers just yet!

Last season, the Pistolwhippers set an all-time defensive record for the DDG, allowing an average of only 68 points per game (edging the Detroit Pistoffs previous record of an average of 69 points allowed per game in the 2008 season), although they will now have a tough time approaching that level in defense this season after allowing 175 points. The Pistolwhippers are now 10-5 overall and the D-Funk Allstars are now 5-9. In spite of their losing record, the D-Funk still average outscoring their opponents 105 to102 in all of their games since 2006 with a couple huge wins, and a series of tight losses.

Statistics

As is becoming her habit, the D-Funk’s Sista Slit’chya led all jammers with 68 points in 11 jams with 8 leads and 9 grand slams. Other Funk jammers were: boo d. livers (35 pts, 11 jams, 7 leads, 4 slams); Polly Fester (25 pts [10 as a pivot], 2 jams, 2 leads, 5 slams); Roxanna Hardplace (15 pts [9 as a pivot], 3 jams, 1 lead, 1 slam); Black Eyed Skeez (14 pts, 2 jams, 2 leads, 2 slams); Tinja (9 pts, 2 jams, 1 lead, 1 slam); Ghetto Barbie (9 pts, 2 jams, 1 slam); Cat’s Meow (0 pts, 1 jam); Fatal Femme (0 pts, 1 jam); Ima Wrecker (0 pts, 2 jams).

Overshadowed in the Pistolwhippers loss was a fine jamming performance by Sarah Hipel who scored 43 points (4 as a pivot) in 11 jams with 6 leads and 4 grand slams. Only two other Whippers managed to score: Honey Suckit (14 pts, 8 jams, 4 leads); Diesel Doll (12 pts, 6 jams, 2 leads, 1 slam). Other jammers were: Cool Whip (0 pts, 1 jam); Elle Iminator (0 pts, 2 jams); A.O. Lesgo (0 pts, 3 jams); Jackie O. Noyoudidn’t (0 pts, 6 jams, 1 lead).

The Pistolwhippers Elle Iminator and Del Bomber turned in the strongest defensive performances with 26 and 24 total actions, respectively. Other teammates were Cool Whip (12 total actions), Sarah Hipel (11), and Bytch Ryder, Cassie Corridor, and Cold Fusion, each with 10 actions.

Roxanna Hardplace led the D-Funk defense with 20 total actions. She was followed by Fatal Femme (17), Black Eyed Skeez (15), Cat’s Meow (9), Polly Fester, and Zooma Thurman.

D-Funk’s Polly Fester led the overall plus/minus rating with a plus 78, followed closely by teammates Cat’s Meow (+73) and Sista Slit’chya (+72). For the Pistolwhippers, Sarah Hipel turned in an excellent plus/minus effort, tallying a minus 4 overall (although plus 27 as a jammer) while skating in about half of her team’s jams, all in spite of her team losing by 106 points. Another good effort was by the Whippers Diesel Doll, only a minus 6 while skating in 12 jams. It should be mentioned that the Whippers Kara Thrash did record a plus 6 overall, skating in only three jams.

Future

The Detroit Derby Girls continue their home season on Saturday, December 12, featuring a rematch of last season’s grudge match game for 3rd place between the Detroit Pistoffs and the Devil’s Night Dames. The game is at the Masonic Temple in downtown Detroit, doors at 6pm, game at 7pm. More info at detroitderbygirls.com.

Bytch Ryder skates with her heart and for the Pistolwhippers.  She was bred for roller derby, after all.  Fresh off of an injury and a tough derby decision, Bytch talks about her love of the sport, her team’s solidarity, and her upcoming competition.

There’s some old school roller derby history in your family. Tell us about it. 

My pops skated professional roller derby through the 60’s and 70’s.  He played amongst some of the great derby icons, traveling throughout the US and overseas.  It is inspiring to have him here at the bouts; of course he’s sure to remind me what could have been done better. 

Why do you play roller derby? 

Simply…for the love of the game.  I have been on skates all my life, I love to skate and I have always been a physical competitor.  The ability to put the two together while surrounding myself with a bunch of great gals…wouldn’t you do it?

In May, the Pistolwhippers played the D-Funk Allstars in the championship bout of the season.  At halftime, your team was up by 39-points but then the tides changed.  D-Funk came back hard with a one-point lead going into the final jam.  At the last minute the Pistolwhippers were able to rack up a few points and win the game, 86-82. 

What did you learn from that specific bout?

During the second half we made some changes to our lines because we were feeling confident.  That game was a good reminder not to underestimate our competition.  You have to play with heart too and see it through to the end.   

What do you think of the D-Funk Allstars? 

One word comes to mind.  Spunk.  They have some key players and they have managed to retain a core roster now.  I am looking forward to seeing great things from them this season.  I don’t think underdog is a title they will carry for too much longer…go get ‘em ladies!

You’re just coming off of an injury.  What happened and how is your recuperation going?  I tore my left quad while attempting to make a hit on the jammer, just one of those fluke things.  It was a severe tear and given the amount of blood and swelling around the muscle they decided against surgery.  Recovery has been tough; I can say this is one of the most painful injuries I have ever sustained, but I’m working through it and trying to stay positive. 

Recently you made the decision to stop skating with the DDG Travel Team.  Was this a tough choice to make and have you had any second thoughts about it? 

It was an extremely difficult decision which I sat on the fence about for weeks.  When you train at that level, the only payoff you have for your dedication is to play at nationals.  Unfortunately, after tearing my quad that goal was not realistic for me.  I wouldn’t say I have second thoughts exactly, though I do miss it and I did not want to let down my team; I know the choice I made was best for my injury. Maybe I’ll skate again for the Travel Team soon.

What’s your favorite thing about being a Pistolwhipper? 

My favorite thing is being part of a team that has massive respect for one another.  We are sisters that come together to do something we love, we recognize that everyone makes sacrifices to be part of our team and we all have a voice.  Pistolwhippers play together, we win together, and sometimes lose together, but we do it as a team.

Action Shots by Colin Johnson.

Riot Nrrrd, Tess Tackles, and I were invited to WCBN Ann Arbor Radio for Pandora’s Lunchbox, a 1/2 hour show, hosted by Mike Perini. We’ll dish about derby and listen to some old school songs about food.  Tune into 88.3 FM or livestream it here this Thursday, the 26th, at 6:30 PM.

The 5th Season opener brings you the finest in knock-down/drag-out derby!  The reigning Champions, the PistolWhippers face off against their nemesisters, The D-Funk All Stars in a rematch of last year’s Champ bout.

Everyone who was lucky enough to get tickets to the sold-out slugfest witnessed what everyone confidently called “the best game of derby played in Detroit yet!”  It went down to the final jam when Sarah “KillBox” Hipel edged out Sista Slit’chya for the ‘Whippers 2nd turn hoisting ‘Olive’ (aka The RS Cup).

Both teams return with most of their vets and even more national experience.  In the travel season Sista has tied and broken house and national records jamming for Detroit, and all your favorites have been handing out beatdowns across the nation.  This weekend they travel to Philly for their 2nd shot at WFTDA supremecy!  They’ll take on the current champs - Gotham Girls Roller Derby - on Friday night.  Check out www.derbynewsnetwork.com for the live boutcast!

Make sure you pick up your tickets for the home opener asap!  Every home bout for the past 2 seasons has SOLD OUT so make sure you ensure your seat for the 2009-2010 Season Opener!!!  Its guaranteed to be an epic match between two teams that have played to the final jam or overtime nearly every time they’ve met!

Take Two.  October may be mustache month but in DDG land it’s movie month with Whip It debuting nationally.  Our Cookie Rumble has been known to rock a fake ‘stache as well as steal some scenes.   Sporting big bad hair and one particularly lovely asset, Cookie Rumble tells all.

What was your reaction when you first saw the Whip It poster and noticed your butt in the “W” of Whip It?

Tinja was the one who told me (and then proceeded to snag me a huge poster, thanks Tinja!) At first I didn’t get what she was saying but when I actually saw the poster I thought it was hilarious! After all, I’m known for my booty here in the D and now everyone can gaze upon its glory…just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. What really made me smile though was the fact that there is a DDG patch right there for the world to see. Hooray for DDG!!

What was it like skating on a banked track and how is the style different from your usual flat track ways?

OMG! I’m terrible on the banked track. My shins were killing me by the end of the first day. Thankfully, we had some really great girls to help us get acclimated to the different style of skating. Silly me, I thought I was hot stuff when it came to derby…..not so much when I can’t even stay on the bloody thing! It did, however, force me to learn how to cross over left.

You’re in the food fight scene (shot at the Lafayette Coney Island, Downtown Detroit). Was the fight filmed in one take or many?  Describe your appearance after the director yelled cut.  Did you nail anyone famous? 

The fight itself was one take. One gloriously disgusting shot. I smelled like barf, I looked like I got barfed on, and it was one of my favorite memories from the movie. We were in Lafayette for a good long time so the tension leading up to the food fight was palpable. There were many a threat against my awesome hairdo (love you Stefani!) and a lot of goofing around. Did I nail anyone famous? I have no idea. It was hit or be hit. At one point I actually tried to crawl under the table, unsuccessfully.

If the Detroit Pistoffs had one draft pick out of all the Whip It actresses who would you draft and why?

I would have to say Kristen Wiig, Maggie Mayhem - she has a wicked sense of humor.

Are there any myths or misconceptions you’d like to dispel about roller derby before the film officially opens?

We aren’t allowed to fight or throw elbows. That, and I really don’t know how to pull off half of the sweet moves I did in the movie. Viva Hollywood!